Yes, I am a pooper picker upper, and that’s okay. I don’t always have the most glamorous life, and I have the cash money to pay someone to do it for me, but I choose to pick up dog poop until I die. But I see you, Neighbor, checking up on me as I bend my own butt picking up the results of another being’s butt. And this one’s for you:
You are worse than my mother and my boss! I have switched to name brand vitamins. I have submitted my invoices. Yes, Dear Neighbor, I am picking up my dog’s poop. I am a responsible adult, and I got this.
Your obvious disgust suggests that you’ve never been lucky enough to share a home with a big, slobbering delight of fur. And for that, I am sorry for you. I have no problems with cat people. The tabby that hangs out in your front window looks perfectly pleasant. But I have or would never once knocked on your door to monitor your litter box.
“Neighbor, I really wish I knew what your problem is. You must be worried that my dog’s doo leaves a skidmark on our pristine neighborhood.”
Sometimes I miss a pile of treasure, but even if I do, it’s none of your business. It’s mine. And technically it’s my dog’s. I’m committed to my duty to pick up doody, but I don’t need the extra stares and glares beam out from your kitchen window. If you’re that interested in my dog’s bowel habits, perhaps you should try counting sheep or bird watching, for it may be more exciting than my poop picking up. But seriously, cut the crap watching.
Neighbor, I really wish I knew what your problem is. You must be worried that my dog’s doo leaves a skid mark on our pristine neighborhood. But why do you watch me, specifically? Is it just convenient for you because I live next door? Perhaps you might want to check out Noodles’ yard around the corner. Not to be a tattle-tail, but that’s whose lawn could really use a clean-up/makeover!
I want to be friends with you, really I do. It’s getting so nice out. I’d love to invite you over for a margarita or two, but I’m afraid of the consequences. What if I have to use the pooper scooper directly in front of you? Would you stare with your deemed intensity. would we become unfortable in one another’s presence?
I can only imagine the notes you must be taking while I journey about my yard:
7:54 a.m. – Bag over hand technique with overhand knot; University of Miami sweatshirt, plaid sleep pants, plaid slippers.
6:38 p.m. – Opts for plastic scooper, deposits directly in bagged trash can; pencil skirt, cardigan and loafers.
For the most part, we are respectful neighbors. I make sure my pup never goes into your yard. We respect the “please, oh please don’t pee on the trees” signs on your sidewalk. (Those are really weird, by the way.) I know that sometimes we get a little rowdy next door when the football comes out, but don’t we all.
“Please know that you can live a peaceful, fulfilling life without glaring in the direction of my dog’s butt.”
I want to remind you that life is messy. And if the worst of that means you checking up on my poo-routine, I’d say I have it pretty good, no concerns or complaints. I know that somewhere behind those apple-print curtains, there is a person whose life doesn’t revolve around dog poop.
Please know that you can live a peaceful, fulfilling life without glaring in the direction of my dog’s butt. I beg you to find your inner fun person and do anything but what you’re currently doing, morning, noon and night. We will all thank you: me, my dog and your husband that does not qualify dog poop as satisfying pillow talk.
I’m sorry you feel that I cannot be responsible about my dog’s Number Twos and take care of it IF YOU were NOT watching. I’m sorry that you haven’t yet found a more fulfilling way to spend your time. I’m sorry you have to see me without a bra at the break of dawn, in my finest hour as I scour my backyard for digested kibble. I’ll work on that. But I swear, if I see you supervising my poop scooping techniques again, I will leave a pile of it on your doorstep.
OK, just kidding, I won’t. I’m just too nice of a neighbor.
P.S. Don’t be this neighbor:
You may want to click and share with your fellow poop scooper friends, and definitely with your NONE poop scooper enemies!