Dog: Why is your bed so much more comfortable than mine?
Me: Because I’ve seen you sleep on a sidewalk. Does it matter?
Dog: Yep! This is mine now!
Me: Have you seen the remote?
Dog: I think I’m lying on it. But if you move too much, I’ll wake up and need to poo.
Me: You can’t wait until morning?
Me: Okay, guess we’re watching more Say Yes to the Dress.
Dog: Yes! I love Randy.
Me: Don’t freak out, but a new person is coming over tonight.
Dog: Oh. So that’s why you’re making better food than usual.
Me: Yeah, none of it is for you.
Dog: You’re gonna give me some.
Me: No, I’m not.
Dog: Yeah, you are. Or I’m gonna excitement-pee aaalllll over your new boyfriend!
Me: Ugh, fine, but only the appetizer.
Dog: AND DESSERT
Me: Okay, I’ve got to go to work!
Me: What do you want to watch on TV today?
Dog: DON’T LEAVE MEEEEE
Me: Paw Patrol or Pit Bulls and Parolees? Pick one.
Dog: YOU DON’T LOVE MEEEEE
Me: Paw Patrol it is. See you when I get home! Love you!
Dog: Don’t expect this place to be clean when you get back.
Me: I’m not sure if having you around is better or worse than having a kid.
Dog: Wait. You’re not my mom?!
Me: Yeah…no…wait! It’s not like that!
Dog: I’M ADOPTED?!
Me: I know you can’t read, but that sign says not to pee here.
Dog: But I want to.
Me: But you shouldn’t.
Dog: I’m going to.
Me: Nope, come on.
Dog: Either I do it here, or I walk and pee.
Me: Yolo. Go for it.
Dog: Hi, other dog! I’m showing you my belly because I’m submissive. I also think you’re cute.
Me: Geez, stop flirting. Have some self-respect.
Dog:I NEED A MAN.
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